My mind, heart, and chi have not been in accord since God knows when. Shit has clouded my once dilated awareness. Gradually, stress has killed the passion inside me without me knowing it. My concepts of truth acquired from more than two decades of existence have been keeping me alive, or have made me a dead man walking rather, and for the past two years I have only been that. A dead man walking.
Pink clouds are slowly turning to grey again. I have assaulted and killed negativity once in my life years ago, but having done so got me losing track of the progress that I should have been keeping eyes on. I have been taking my loved ones’ lives and mine for granted unconsciously. And fuck me for that. And fuck me for that. I have made myself believe that life was already happy and that I didn’t need nothing else. I’ve lost grip on my motivations.
Once in my life I drove my demons away, hated and healed my wounds, self-inflicted and not. I have kept them away for so long now that I have forgotten about them when I shouldn’t. I have been wrecklessly harvesting Yin and ignored the fact that I, or all of us, need Yang to keep life in balance. And fuck me for that.
Even Jesus had to go through extreme anger and sadness. That was when he shoved the shit off the asses of the fucked up motherfuckers doing shit outside the temple. That was when he poignantly prayed in the garden of olives. Though I haven’t been soft, I’ve been too nice. Coal, buried under hundreds of kilometers of dirt, rock and extreme pressure eventually turns into the most precious stone, the diamond. I forgot that I need to exert resistance and not just take in the beatings, I forgot that I need to surface and not just sit on my ass. And if there’s one faculty that I haven’t lost that is awareness. And it’s going to pull me out of the shithole I’m in.
In spite of strength we must see weakness, even our own. In search of beauty we must not hate the ugly. Though happiness is a lovely word we must value the low times and the lesson they’ve brought and will bring.
This is just a phase. Like the moon and the sun I will hide only to be seen again. Like night and day I end only to begin anew. Like the four seasons I pass away only to return.
Hard and soft. Hot and cold. High and low. Light and darkness. Deep and shallow. Love and hate. Yin and Yang. Life is beautiful when you have a little of everything.
I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
Today I say “fuck you life, and i love you.”